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Boogey Nights


Boogey Nights Extravaganza


            My dear children, what is all this fuss over porn?  In the past weeks several letters have arrived, all doing with porn.  It seems that the advent of Boogey Nights has changed some views on the porn industry, and certainly boosted interest.  Here are three of the most interesting letters, all from people within or considering the porn industry (including one STRAIGHT porn star!!).


Posing Porn Mom


Dear Diva,


            I am a mostly happily married woman with two beautiful children and a stable home life.  My problem is that our sex life has become bland or non-existent and I am considering looking for a outside sources.  Just yesterday a photographer who I work with platonically, asked if I was interested in doing some porno.  I was intrigued by the idea of money, sex and anonymity.

            My concerns are centered around the destruction of my family.  Am I wrong to have these desires?  Will my husband find out?  Will my “scene” be as fulfilling as I hope?

                                                                        Lost In Sacramento


Dear Sexpot,


            You must be a honey to receive such an invite.  Dear girl, think, think, think!  You have a stable home life, children, a snore of a husband in bed who seems to have provided for you quite well in other ways and a career with a photographer.  But you have desires….

            Honey, we all have desires.  You might consider a discreet delivery from the grocery boy, a favor in exchange for ignoring the speeding ticket Officer, or a job in the White House.  But NO!  You want to perform in a porn film.  Dear, are you reading this?  As much as writing is beloved, answering questions all day does become – uh – shall we say, routine?  To be good at anything you must practice, practice, practice.  You must be directable and able to take criticism.  Fulfilling as you hope? Probably not.  In fact, you might not even be able to do your thing with the full film team around, you may have to act (like with your husband!).

            Nothing is worth the destruction of the family.  But you’re going to do it anyway, aren’t you?  And you think hubby will see it.  In that case, if you are sure your husband will see the film, then you probably should do it.  First, he will see you as a desirable sex object (sorry dear, that’s the truth) and second, porn is more often prescribed than new wall paper to fix dull bedrooms. 


S**** Gets In Your Eyes


Dear Diva,


            I’m an actor in the porn industry and there is a frequently recurring problem I encounter.  A lot of the time when it gets down to the “final shot”, the director wants to have the scene end with the focus on the girl’s face.  The problem is that sometimes the “shot” ends up in the girl’s eyes, which reins the scene, not to mention is uncomfortable for her and makes me feel bad, as she is supposed to be enjoying herself and keep her eyes open.

            Can you see a solution to this problem?


                                                                                    Joel Lawrence


Dear Sir Lawrence,


            You have enhanced the life of one of your fans.  Allow some waxing on the wonder of you  (how much better to answer you in person if it were possible!).  Looking at the stack of your videos (The Make-Up Room, The Swap, The Trade, Lethal Love, Telesex, Candy Man Video Series, Boat Orgy, Swinging In The Rain, The Nurse, and Betrayed) the memory of hours of pleasure are reawakened.  We all owe you one big, long, thank you.  We hear that “Swinging In The Rain” is up for an award, well,  best of luck.

            Your concern for the girl is most impressive.  It is clear from your work you are most concerned with her pleasure, but to also be concerned for her well being is just plain wonderful.  Even the President doesn’t seem to care if his spew tarnishes a lovely summer dress!  First advice is to talk to director Cash Markman and ask him to show a little more creativity.  Those silent film poses are a bit cliché, surely there are options.  And for a solution, “Hyper Tears” is a wonderful product for cleansing your eyes without chemicals, drugs or that strange ‘glow in the dark’ effect most eye drops have on in front of the camera.

            Yet you can take your concern to a much higher level.  One of the irritants in semen is acidic content, another is mineral content.  It is well known by the connoisseur that certain foods alter the smell and taste.  This is due to the acid/mineral content.  There fore, avoid broccoli, cauliflower,  asparagus and the likes.  In addition, coffee and smoking cigarettes can add very annoying irritants.  A three day moratorium on these prior to a shoot will suffice.

            Now, a question for you young man.  What are you thinking starring in all these films without use of a condom?  Shame, shame.  Take responsibility, son.  Don’t make the straight world have to live through the hell from the AIDS plague we have.  You are established as a star, so you might begin to make some safe-sex videos.  That way you will save the lives you excite.  (P.S.  Thanks for including your phone number…)


Macho Homophobe


Dear Diva,

            I’m a gay make-up artist in the LA porn world and I ran across an interesting situation and I need some advice.  One of the more famous lead male actors, a very straight, testosterone driven young man, has a brother who is gay.  He has a very difficult time dealing with his feelings around this and comes to me, subconsciously I think, to learn how to deal with his feelings.  He makes very inappropriate and graphically suggestive comments about my being gay.  I would like to help him, but I don’t want to be insulted or condescended to.

                                                                                    Help Me Diva,


Dear Miss Powder Puff,

            Make-up tips we could share, but this is a bit of a pickle.  Your letter seems to be saying he is somehow working out a way to deal with his brother, but being a stupid jerk and straight pig (did we get you right?) he can’t relate to the world other than in vulgar ways.  Darling, it is 1998!  We should be far beyond this.  Perhaps he can’t read or is too busy looking in the mirror to watch TV!

            Honey, you should never - NEVER - let anyone talk badly to you or do any inappropriate action.  You are a beloved child of God and let no one tell you differently.  Do not be roped into a low self-esteemed position because of a desire to help.  Speak frankly to him.  Tell him, in simple words and short sentences, what you believe he is doing.  If he is in denial, he will take a strong dislike to you and your troubles are over, and if not he may find that you treat him seriously and care about him - a phenomenon he has obviously missed in life.  Better yet, talk with his brother.  If nothing else, he needs an ally if that is the sort of family he comes from.  You are a dear.


Stars Need Advice


Porn Stars Need Advice

            Some time ago, Diva had the good fortune to meet two of our most delicious gay brothers, porn stars Donny Russo and Rick Bolton.  The way we met isn't important, but what a story that was!  At any rate, these boys had a lot of curiosity to satisfy, for which Diva is extremely grateful, and after that they had some questions.  Diva is sure you are all asking the same questions, so here are their questions and Diva's replies.

            Warning: These boys live in a graphic world, and ask graphic questions.  Squeemish readers are duly warned.


Performance Maximum


Dear Diva,

I would like to know how many times a man can cum in one day before there is none left.

Donny Russo


Dear Donny, Sir,


Diva has been doing exhausting research on this with her entourage and every other man she has met.  Her laundry bill alone makes this one of the questions of the year, and one wig is completely ruined!  At any rate, there were some startling results from the research.  First, a urologist said that if a man does not ejaculate about two or three times per week then he is in danger of prostatitis, or even cancer of the prostate in later life.  As for the exact number, I guess, Donny, that the answer has to do with you being there as inspiration more than with the physical facility of the man in question.  Perhaps you would be willing to be present for the research, this might change the findings in a big way.


Bestiality Fantasy


Dear Diva,


I want weird sex but I'm afraid to say anything because I appear in videos.  Sex with pigs is what I want.  Tell me what to do.


                                                                        Rick Bolton


Dear Rick,


What is weird about sex with pigs?  As Diva looks over her ex-lovers she finds many pigs on the list, and she had sex with them all!  While sex with animals (bestiality) may be a legitimate sexual taste, you’ll find that it is not the most common practice.  The problems, and reason it’s illegal, are that, first, syphilis was introduced to humans by sex with sheep and, second, some animals are capable of having offspring when mated with humans.  These two facts make it a very risky practice.  But I suppose that safe sex should be practiced, though it is not easy to find out from the sow of your choice what the sexual past has been.  I encourage you to find safe, legal solutions to your cravings.  In the mean time, if you really want to have sex with a pig, I might suggest you go down to the office of an esteemed Congressman from North Carolina and call "Sooey!  Sooey!"  Maybe you'll get lucky.  He seems to be out to screw every one of us.


Jealous of Lover’s Porn


Dear Diva,

            I enjoy looking at porno magazines but my lover gets jealous when I do.  What can I do?

                                                                                               Mag Fan


Dear Mag Fan,


            Diva loves to look at pretty, inspiring pictures herself. Perhaps you would loan her some of your better choices, that is if the pages are independent.  There are all sorts of adult enhancement tools out there, and they do no harm - IF they are acceptable to both parties in a couple.  In your case, however, I suspect that your lover has a problem you are not saying.  Had you confessed that he gets "angry" or "irritated" then Diva would have told him to get a hobby.  But when you say "jealous," that makes Diva pause.  Are you perhaps so stuck to your pages that you have found a replacement for the actual man in your bed?  Or perhaps you make comments which make him feel "less than" adequate to please you.  Next time you are spending time looking at things, Diva suggests you look at what might be straightened out on your side of the bed.  And if he is still left out, you keep your magazines and send the real thing to Diva, she much prefers the real thing.

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