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Dame Edna Everidge

Dame Edna:
Cheery-O, and Don’t Come Back Soon!

       Have you seen the Dame Edna Royal Tour? Well, you should. It is delightful and far too long overdue. She is witty, clever and terribly funny. Her show, which is largely structured improvisation and interaction with the audience, recaptures much of the electric imagination of her television show and brings it home. Her caustic wit tiptoes right to the edge of abusive, and only touches a toe over the line a few times. She loves to insult, and her insults are based on socio-economic class differences - how Dickensonian. But in double layered social satire, she only attacks the most superficial traits of the class barrier, making fun of the barrier itself. She possesses a superior mind, disarming as Wilde and dark as Nitsche, and she always has the upper hand.
      But there is a problem. She, unlike real Dames, has no noblesse oblige and little class in her own deportment. The grand dames of the San Francisco Imperial Court, (just like actor Barry Humphries behind the Edna mask who have declared themselves to be title holders and are men dressed in dresses), came en masse to her show, only to be ignored. Now this wouldn’t necessarily rankle, but San Francisco has a long and admirable tradition of using public spectacle to raise funds for the unfortunate, and these local royals have set the stage nationwide for charitable fundraising in gay communities. Edna, on the other hand, refused to hostess a fundraiser for the AIDS Emergency Fund, which was the brain child of her publicist. In fact, Edna dissed and dismissed most interview opportunities as beneath her, and ran her publicists ragged preventing them from doing their job.
     Now, the show is billed as a Royal Tour, as the long awaited American arrival of this pop icon. But that is a sham, dears, there is no tour. Like her own megastardom, it exists only in her own mind. Don’t look for this show in New York, Los Angeles or Miami anytime soon. Impressions are just impressions. If it does come to your town, prepare yourself for a skunk and a porcupine. Perhaps she would prefer us to act as her endearing term for us - possums! Let’s all play dead.

Oh, one announcement! Dame Edna - it’s time for your close up!

Newt Gingrich, Alfonso D’Amato

Farewell Newt, D’Amato

Gone the jowls, the paunch; gone the white bouffant. Missing the moralistic Muppets, with their holier than thou tails dragging behind them. Now don’t fret girls, we still have some very real ogres to contend with, but Strom Thurmon and Jessie Helms don’t have much vigor now that the wind has been knocked out of their sails. How did it happen?
In 1980 we were thrust back into the 50s by an addled Reagan, just in time to systematically ignore AIDS and effect a genocide on our community. It was followed by the greed years when social freedom was replaced by bowls of cocaine at parties, and educated debate became juvenile tantrum. The national debt ballooned in direct proportion to rhetoric as the Moral Majority became the Religious Right, while we took to the streets and lost our political virginity. Star Wars and Cold Wars kept Clancey on the best seller list and distracted the public from its own conscience. But the writing was on the wall when, in the wake of the crumbling Berlin Wall, Eastern European communism collapsed and China renounced economic Socialism. And America snuggled into cozy, self-righteous imperialism.
Without our government to rely on, gays came forward to help our own ill. Lesbians tended sick and dying gay men, young people learned funeral etiquette, small towns had Gay Pride festivals. The pink barrets walked the streets to help prevent bashings, and community health centers became as common a gathering place as dark disco bars. When the Gay Games brought gay athletes out of the closet, we found that the boy and girl next door were gay too, and Hollywood, that bastion of liberal stars promoting themselves with their issues but stuck hopelessly in the closet, became brave enough to experiment with non-kissing gay couples in mainstream films. Elizabeth Taylor and Doris Day, bereaved of their beloved Rock Hudson, braved public opinion as only women can and became icons of support for us. The Names Project gave us something to do with the things people left behind and personal dignity became part of being gay.
Undeniable humanity; indisputable dignity; unstoppable progress. Republicans were afraid. Nancy Reagan’s hard hair hovered over her huge head telling lost millions of children to just say no, as her husband took away their lunches and teachers. Mercenary sports took over our airwaves on Super Bowl days – men proving themselves by being brutal – while national emergency telephone lines were created to help the women brutalized and beaten by those brazened men. Reagan left the keys of the kingdom to George Bush, who’s idea of strength was to hold a computer game war. Then it changed.
Desert Storm and Family Values failed to re-elect Bush, and as Clinton took office, the military minded Republicans thrust his promise to liberalize military policy on gays down his throat. What nobody ever knew was the departing administration had requested repainting and re-telephoning of the Old Executive Office Building, timed so the newly arriving staff found all office furniture in storage rooms and few working telephone lines. Yet in face of these mean-spirited, junior high pranks, Clinton and Gore managed to put the issue to rest with a measly compromise and charged forward to heal the nation. Clinton was re-elected, minorities were brought into high places, gays had a place at the table and the debt shrank.
With nothing but national healing happening, the Republicans focused on Clinton’s already famous libido (as did several women around him) and managed to take control of Congress. Newt came up with his Contract On America and, like a neighborhood bully, ripped his way through government making enemies of his own people and showing America just what it had voted for: a shut down government and harsh cruelty administered to the down-trodden, the children and the homeless. Arlan Specter, vilest of the vile, made public mincemeat of Anita; OJ took spousal abuse and our justice system to horrid new lows; and Nancy’s just nay-saying children grew up to be a lost generation. So when Clinton got caught with a smoking cigar in his hand, Newt and Company jumped at their chance, making way for Starr to publish the first government sponsored soft-core pornography.
Well, it seems we’ve had enough. And as Newt and D’Amato skulk into the background while Helms and Thurmon slowly stop ticking, a new day has dawned. To all gays, blacks, women and minorities who got out and voted, take pride in your accomplishment. Now the job is to keep going. There will be more Matthew Shepards if we don’t act consistently. Keep voting, keep being outraged by the outrageous, even when it is called such patriotic names as Family Values and Small Government. And Newt, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Jose Sarria

The Empress Is A Man!

Imagine this: the year is 1947, you are a sailor with shore leave in San Francisco. You’re given a guide book and in it is a list of bars you should NOT frequent. Among them is The Black Cat - notorious for a flamboyant, crossed-dressed singer doing opera spoofs. Where do you go? You got it! The Black Cat!
You arrive on a Sunday afternoon and find yourself helping push the tables together to make a stage; if you are on the apron of this ‘stage’ you must lean in, holding the tables together. The piano starts playing operatic fanfares and soon appears Jose Sarria, scarf flamboyantly draped around his neck, standing tall in bright red pumps (three articles of women’s clothing worn at once is illegal except for Halloween or New Year’s Eve, but not New Year’s Day which begins at midnight). His rich voice fills the room with the familiar tunes of Carmen, or Tosca, or Traviatta. But then you hear the words - off color double-entendres hinting at men having sex with men and other naughty delights; raucous laughter mixes with salacious ideas. You love it!
Police raid the club regularly and soon there is a city ordinance making it illegal for bartenders to serve homosexual men. The Black Cat and other bars are in jeopardy. Enter Jose Sarria, banding together bar owners into the Tavern Guild, and also forming a community minded group called SIR (Society for Individual Rights). The ordinance is challenged and court proceedings are under way. Jose has invited all of his regular patrons, now wearing suits and ties, to the courtroom and takes the stand. “Your Honor,” he says, “would you please help me demonstrate something. You are the bar tender and the people in this court room are potential customers. Which ones may be served?” The judge looks over the crowd and admits he has no way of knowing. Gavel to wood - WHACK! Ordinance overturned! Every man pulls a pink hankie from his suit pocket and waves to the departing judge. Gay liberation has begun.
The Winter Ball hosts many drag queens, but the time, date and location are kept secret. It is a race each year between police and drag queens. The year Jose is crowned “Queen of the Ball,” she snatches the newly placed crown from her coiffure, commenting that everyone already knows she’s a queen, they’ll have to do better. Then deftly pulls out another crown and names herself Jose I, Empress of San Francisco. A new Empress is to be elected each year, and all functions during the year are to raise money for local charities, mirroring the tradition in San Francisco of supporting the crazies and eccentrics – particularly Joshua Abraham Norton, who, after loosing his gold rush fortune with bad investments into rice, declared himself Emperor of These United States and Protector of Mexico. Two newly elected Empresses later, gay San Francisco was beginning to associate the office with the antics of these queens, and Jose needed to distance him/herself. In a grand ceremonial visit to Joshua’s grave site, she donned widow’s weeds and declared herself the Widow Norton. And every year since, for more than 30 years, she has made her annual pilgrimage to Joshua’s grave to swear in the new Empress and Emperor. Today there are more than 67 Imperial Courts throughout the world, raising millions of dollars each year for local charities - a Gay United Way!
The community looked to Jose for leadership, and in 1965, Jose ran for City Supervisor – the first openly gay candidate to run for public office in America. In a panic, the city added more than a dozen candidates to the field just days before the election to confuse the populace. Jose lost the election, but won more than 6,000 votes. Ever since the gay community is viewed as a viable political force – now nationwide.
Diva is bending your ear in hopes you will learn about our roots and get acquainted with one of our most colorful sisters. The whole story, with all the gory details can be read in the newly published volume “The Empress Is A Man: Stories from the Life of Jose Sarria” [by Michael R. Gorman; The Haworth Press]. Reading this book is a vibrant experience, filled with glitz, glamour and generosity, reminding us that we, today, must work together to support and appreciate each other. For, cut into the stone of Jose’s grave (yes, girls, this past year the trip to the cemetery featured the unveiling of her gravestone, and no, she’s not dead yet!) are her immortal words:

“United we stand, divided they’ll catch us one by one.”


Newt Gingrich

Dear Diva,

The new tide of Republicanism has me terrified. I keep reading the news and feel like gays will soon be hunted and hanged. You're in Washington, do something!


Dear Hopeful,

There isn't very much that Diva can do about Washington politics. But here goes:

Dear NEWT!

Diva has been asked to give you some advice, so stop your constant drivel and listen. You seem to have opinions on every subject under the sun, but lack some common sense.
First, the hair must go. I know you choose the large white poof because it worked so well for Barbara Bush, but, my dear, she balanced it with those dowdy pearls and a puffy bosom. Now you've got the puffy bosom going on, but the pearls are missing and, I'm sorry to say, so is the dignity she had.
Second, we must discuss your definition of sex. You were quoted as saying (I paraphrase) that if someone gives you head then it doesn't count as sleeping with them. Puhleeze! That is as believable as saying that you could meet with Rupert Murdock just before you sign a multimillion dollar contract with him and that you didn't discuss the contract! You are either a witty little rascal or an idiot. You're joking, right?
Sex between mutually consenting adults is sex. Sleeping together assumes that you did it in a bed, but that is only a euphemism left over from Queen Victoria. Come on Newt, pull your head out of the sand and take a look at the world. Infidelity is any sexual indiscretion you might commit.
So Diva advises a new hairdo and some morals. That should fix you up just fine.


Irish Independence

Roisin McAliskey –
Her Freedom and Gay Liberation

Bernadette Devlin McAliskey, first woman and youngest elected Member of British Parliament, is one of our strongest supporters. Sixteen months ago, while at home with her husband, and pregnant daughter, Roisin (pronounced Row-sheen). British paratroopers landed on their lawn while a government assassin squad broke down the front door. Bernadette and her husband were shot at point blank range. The soldier shooting at Bernadette pumped seven bullets into her when his gun jammed. He fixed the problem and shot the last bullet into her. Meanwhile, her pregnant daughter was kidnapped and dragged into prison with no charges filed against her.
Due to the charity of one soldier who gave some first aid, Bernadette lived. She was targeted because she has fought for human rights all of her life, and has not backed down in her quest for the independence of Northern Ireland. One of her mottoes is “Justice Delayed is Justice Denied.” In prison, her daughter Roisin was tortured, starved, beaten, chained to a table to give birth to a daughter whom they threatened to take from her, and humiliated. Roisin was released, along with her baby daughter, last week.
What does all of this have to do with the gay community? Why should we care? I mean, she is straight, Irish and way far away.
Bernadette Devlin McAliskey, at a victory celebration flanked by Angela Davis, gay activist and City Supervisor Tom Amiano and Mayor Willie Brown, did not mention her own wounds or attack once, yet she mentioned human rights for gays and lesbians several times. In fact, she pointed to the largely Irish crowd and said she saw few of them at any of the Gay Rights rallies she has addressed. In fact, she said that though there was a victory in her daughter’s release, there was much more work to be done. And it was Gay Rights she mentioned over and over.
Put down your latte, miss a day at the gym, buy a cheaper brand of hair gel and look beyond our community. We have supporters we cannot imagine, supporters who will risk their lives for our freedoms. We take a dim view of politicians, having had such bad examples presented to us, and reject the wisdom of an older generation because their bodies aren’t firm and pretty. Yet every person willing to give up a normal life to work for human rights is a hero for us. And these people need our support, our volunteer hours.
Go and work for one of the many political organizations working for you. Tell them Dear Diva sent you.


Billy Doll

Dear Diva,

How in hell can a gay action figure doll be a spokesperson for gay rights, or anything else for that matter? I can’t believe it. This Billy doll thing is ridiculous, if you ask me.

Gave Up Childish Things

Dear Mister Maturity,

Nobody did ask you. Diva certainly didn’t! Oh, she’s read all of the articles in the papers, has gotten a San Francisco Billy, a Cowboy Billy and a Master Billy to study. Did you know they are anatomically correct? If 13” of height gives .75” of length, then a 6’4” one would wield …. Help me you math nerds! What is the math here. It must be a HUGE calculation!
Diva called Totem International in New York to pass on your question (on MCI of course), and was told to ask the Billies themselves. So, that is just what she will do. Watch in Wire for the upcoming interview. Diva will get to the bottom of these Bills. And there is even talk of a video interview for Live Wire!
Billy Doll


I first heard of Billy in an article in the San Francisco newspaper. After a lifetime of frustration with boring Kens and GI Joes, it was welcome to have a new - accurate! - representation of maleness. The article included some reactions from gay activists which bothered me. I decided to call Billy’s representatives and find out what the real Billy was like and why he was getting so much attention worldwide. The result is the following interview. I must say, of all the interviews I’ve done this has been the most fun. We sat around and just talked. Granted there were photographers, videographers, make-up assistants, cooks, liveried staff and the usual hangers on, but it was the most intimate setting possible when dealing with hugely popular cultural icons. Enjoy getting to know Billy as I did. The best thing about Billy is, if you like him in any of his incarnations, you can take him home! Just like in the old days!

DD: Hello boys! I’m Dear Diva, the gay advice columnist. I want to thank you for taking time out of your busy promotional schedule to allow me to interview you. Are you all comfortable?

All: Yeah!

DD: Splendid! So let’s get started. Now Cowboy, was it difficult growing up in the west? I mean, other cowboys must’ve given you loads of trouble.

Cowboy: No, not really difficult. Those cowboys get real friendly when they are out west. The only trouble I got myself into was trouble I wanted, if you get my drift.

DD: I’d love to get your drift, Cowboy. Now, don’t be shy. Tell us what kind of trouble you wanted to get into with those western boys? Did you like to ride and rope, or were you more the keeper of the little house on the prairie?

Cowboy: I sure did like to rope and ride, and I also liked to keep house, but I certainly wasn’t hiding in a little prairie closet like the rest of the guys. Not me, closets are for fabulous outfits, not people.

DD: I couldn’t agree more! You should come and try on some of my outfits some day. I love your boots, perhaps we could trade! By the way, many readers are wondering, what size boots do you wear?

Cowboy: I wear European size 43, which translates to an English size 9 ½ and an American size, what size is that in the U.S.A.? I can never remember, is it a size 11 or a size 8?

DD: I believe it is a size 11.

Cowboy: Well, they are average size.

DD: Don’t be modest, they are a little larger than average, and so pretty, too.

Cowboy: Well, they are perfectly formed but pretty average, which really blows that old myth out of the window, doesn’t it?

DD: It certainly does. From the look of things, if the myth were true you would wear about a size 18!

Cowboy: I also like my boots to be very tight fitting so I can really feel them when I walk around. And I like it to be an effort for a guy to take my boots off, adds to the an-tic-I-pation of finally seeing me naked.

DD: Oh stop! Now you have to take them off for me!

Cowboy: It’s also a real turn on for me to watch someone getting all hot and bothered when they have to really work, to get me to finally bare all. Sometimes I’m such a tease that way.

DD: I’ve heard that thousands of fans spend hours taking your clothes off, or changing your outfits. It must be nice to get so much attention, being perfectly formed and all. Which brings us to the subject of your clothes. How do you decide what designs to wear? What kind of fit do you prefer?

Cowboy: It’s the same with my clothes, I always feel sexier when I can really feel what I’m wearing. I have always liked restriction. Sometimes I envy you women that you can wear all those real tight fitting clothes and high heels and oh! Those corsets!

DD: Well, we certainly do have things in common. As for foundation garments, they may be a woman’s salvation, but they can be a bother. Sounds like you might just be a natural for wearing some of my clothes.

Cowboy: In answer to your question from before, yes let’s trade. My Gawd! Drag Billy is “Coming Out,” I can feel her.

DD: Breathe, Cowboy, just breathe. Here, use my fan! The birth of a new Drag Goddess must always be assisted by a Drag Mother. Perhaps we should discuss adoption?

Cowboy: Ummmm… we could talk about that, Diva…

DD: Later, darling. Now, back to sexy foot attire, I think the readers have a boot fetish. What do you think of that, being the object of desire to those with fetishes? Do you have a foot fetish or anything yourself?

Master: I’m the one with all the fetishes, so I’d like to cut in here. You really can go on Cowboy.

DD: Master does have a point, Cowboy. You’re just yummy, but on the subject of fetishes, I hear Master rules!

Master: I can’t possibly talk to you about all my fetishes.

DD: Try me…

Master: Not ‘on the record’ anyway! But, I will admit, yes, I do have a foot fetish and the summer is the worst time, especially in the USA!

DD: Why? I would think summer would allow you to revel in a symphony of bare feet. Why is that a problem?

Master: Why? Because every man wears sandals. All you see all day long is feet, feet, feet! Has anyone else found this a problem?

DD: I see. I guess you would walk into things, always looking down. I admit, that photo of JFK, Jr. In sandals quickened my pulse!

Master: Now Diva, is there a fetish you aren’t telling us?

DD: Master, what will my fans think? Let’s change the subject. You really don’t seem gay at all! I mean, you are such the masculine type. Do you find that a contradiction?

Master: Of course it’s not a contradiction, I can be masculine and gay at the same time, but it’s all drag and good clean fun anyway: the handcuffs, the leather pants, the vest, the hat, the studded arm band, talking about it makes me go all hot and squishy inside. How about you?

DD: Well, I do get a bit damp when you mention the handcuffs! Now, Master Billy, or should I just call you “Sir”? Oh, I hope you won’t spank me for being bad.

Master: I’ll only spank you if you are very, very good.

DD: Well, I’ll have to make sure I improve! You’re such a charmer, Master, you make me blush. Where was I?

Master: Right in front of me…

DD: I realize we do have some things in common. I mean we both wear tight black garments close to the skin. It’s all drag, isn’t it? Of course mine is lingerie, while yours is dead cow, but then I do have a mink coat, so we’re even.

Master: It’s also one of my favorite outfits and I think it’s a crying shame that some people think that way.

DD: Sir! I can’t imagine the thought of you in a mink coat! I’ll bet you’d wear it fur inside because it feels better, wouldn’t you? There are all sorts of people who think gays are all swishing queens who fix hair as a hobby. What do you hope to accomplish by going international? Some people say that the leather community gives the rest of the gay community a bad name. How do you answer them?

Master: Well, Diva, the leather men and the drag queens were at the forefront of gay liberation and should be given respect for the fact they are diverse and highly individual segments of the community. The gay community is richer by their presence.

DD: There has been some controversy about the man/boy love thing. I believe that laws must be upheld, certainly, and if they’re unjust they must be changed. But there seem to be lots of “Daddys” out there and many “Sons” to keep them happy. Do you have a “Son” or a “Slave” to keep you happy? Or do you simply content yourself with costume and attitude?

Master: I have had many “Daddys” and many “slaves” in my time. It all depends on my many, changing moods and I’ve never been one to get into a mind set about such things. I also know I’m a different Billy to different people, so you could say I swing in many directions.

DD: Speaking of different people -- San Fran, did you get much flack from Ken and GI Joe when you were growing up? I can’t imagine what they thought of you, being so well endowed. Did they make fun of you in the shower room?

San Fran: Yes they did, but it didn’t last too long as I soon began to poke a little fun at them back.

DD: Oh, Billy, you naughty boy! What did you poke them with? Er…I mean, what did you poke fun at them with?

San Fran: Well, they have such odd bods, don’t you think? What with all those nuts and bolts, limb joints and badly sculptured bits and pieces, not exactly hot stuff.

DD: I agree! That unsightly little lump trying to pass itself off as manhood. Why look at you - mmmmmm! Now there’s a bit of manhood! But really, truly Billy, don’t you get a bit embarrassed some times, like in little bathing suits? Surely people must stare at you! And those other little-lump-men must be jealous.

San Fran: Who in their right minds would be embarrassed for being so blessed? OK, shopping for bathing suits and underwear can sometimes take a little longer than necessary due to the fact that the store assistant keeps insisting that I try on more and more styles, continually measuring my inside leg and pinching and tucking me for hours on end.

DD: Speaking of which, excuse me dear, but you are starting to creep out the side there…yes, I’ll just push it back up a little… There, there, and a little pat for good luck!

San Fran: Why thank you Diva. You have such a fashion sense, and a sure touch as well.

DD: Come now, Billy, I do my best. Do you year that Master? He thinks I’m pretty good.

Master: You’ll get yours, Diva, just wait!

DD: But back to you San Fran, I’ll bet you wear out your credit card buying cute little outfits, don’t you?

San Fran: I always leave the store with more styles than I need or want. Does anyone out there want some of my old underwear? I’ve really got far too much.

DD: Get back! All of you! Stop pushing me or we’ll end this interview right now! Hey! You can’t have that pair, he’s wearing them! And stop staring! Haven’t you ever seen a perfectly formed, gorgeous guy before?

San Fran: On the issue of staring, who cares? Everyone stares and at the end of the day, you’ve got what you’ve got and if it’s a lot, make the best of it - show it off - enjoy life!

DD: Now Billy I must confess, before I met you when I was a little girl, I had all sorts of fantasies about the other boys. I remember playing GI Joe rescue games, where I was tied up and he came and rescued me various ways… What are these guys really like? You know them, tell us.

San Fran: Joe’s an O.K. guy actually, although I don’t agree with his politics or his reason for living which seems to always revolve around his tommy gun - a little scary that way. Kenny is kinda sweet too, but I wouldn’t want to be locked inside his head, hiding away in Madam’s dream house closet for all these years!

Master: Don’t you just love the way San Fran is so positive? He never has a bad word to say about anyone or anything. Ain’t that the way to be, instead of constantly bitching and always seeing the negative side of things?

DD: I quite agree. But Master, you don’t seem to have many bad things to say -- unless they want you to say bad things, I mean.

Master: That’s one aspect of the gay community that really gets me down: how down the so-called community can be on things, the press in particular, instead of focusing sometimes on what’s great about being gay. All they do is moan about the bad things that go on. Well, we all know bad things go on, but let’s lighten up sometimes, please!

DD: Well, that brings us to the moment of truth. All of you - what do you think is the most important message to gays today? If each of you could say anything you wanted, what would it be? Who wants to go first?

Master: The most important message to gays today would be - …

DD: How like you to go first, our dominant leader. Sorry to interrupt, do go on.

Master: …please be responsible whilst having tons of fun. Always wear a condom and practice safe sex.

DD: But many think it isn’t sexy at all to wear condoms. What do you say to them?

Master: You can still be hot and sexy and still be responsible. I should know, I am.

DD: Do you wear condoms? All the time?

Master: Well, no, of course not. I don’t wear them whilst I’m out shopping at the local store or popping to the corner for a video. Although maybe that wouldn’t be a bad idea. It’s kinda sexy in a kinky sort of way - maybe I’ll try that. But back to your question, I wear a condom every single time I have sex, and so do my sex partners. I am proud - even ‘out and proud’ to say “I practice safe sex.” I’ve grown to love condom’s over the years and there’s no alternative - except celibacy, and that’s not a character trait of mine I’m happy to say. You’ve got to grow to love condoms and feel sexy, strong and powerful wearing them, knowing that by wearing condoms you are, in effect, fighting and beating this damn disease. Get off on them, make it a sexy part of your sex life!

DD: How about you other guys? How does the rubber do against your plastic skin?

ALL: Condoms are like a second skin to us, a rubber one! Ha! Ha! Ha!

DD: Now Cowboy, what is your most important message the world?

Cowboy: The most important message to gays today would be - please celebrate individuality and diversity in our community and in the world. The richness of our culture is what will keep us strong. We all can’t be the same as everyone else, so why waste time trying?

DD: Are you aware that some activists say it’s silly to think that Billy could be a spokesman on gay issues? You’re just as real as I am, or RuPaul for that matter. We seem to do rather well in delivering messages. They seem to be the same activists who tell us there is only one way to be gay. What do you say to them?

Cowboy: The same type of activist who says my Cowboy drag or your drag for that matter is a negative stereotype. Well to that person I say “I can wear whatever I want and do to my body whatever I please” - I always thought that was all part of being gay anyway.

DD: Oh Cowboy, I do hope those limited, exclusionary activists are reading this. You’re so right.

Cowboy: Another thing, I always thought there was more to being gay than the way you look.

DD: Me?!

Cowboy: No, not you, I mean the way one looks. I wouldn’t really want to say anything to this type of person, as they must be terribly narrow minded with no imagination at all. Normally, I would keep clear of them and the issue, I find it boring, but you have asked me a serious question, so I’ll answer you seriously. I am a member of the “gay and lesbian community” and therefore I have every right as a member of that community to do whatever I can to work towards comprehensive acceptance for the World’s Gay and Lesbian Community as Human Rights, and I will continue to devote my time, energy and product to this cause. As we all know, there are different types of activism. Equality is never won only by speech making and demonstration, although these forms of activism are absolutely crucial. There is also visibility and popular culture, music and dance are just as important in the fight for acceptance as speech making and lobbying governments. So in that respect I am a valid spokesperson, a ‘real’ spokesperson. As you say, as real as you or RuPaul and just as valid. Glad I got that off my big hairless chest!

DD: My, my Cowboy. When you get going you’re an inspiration!

Cowboy: Thank you, Diva, I just had to say it.

DD: San Francisco, you know I live in your city now! I see you on the streets all over the place but you never say hi. I forgive you, you popular thing you. But now that we’ve met you’d better say hi or you’ll get one of these drag queen pumps in your… Just kidding, sweety. What is your message to the fans out there?

San Fran: As you were talking about with Cowboy, there are many different ways to educate, liberate and be politicized. We all have a responsibility to do our bit in our own way, and we also have a responsibility to allow others to do their bit in their own way too!

DD: Well, my dear! You certainly seem to feel strongly! Somebody get her a fan! In my role as provocateur, I must say that some gays in San Francisco seem to believe that one can only be truly gay if one is from San Francisco. What do you say to them?

San Fran: I am a member of a WORLDWIDE Gay & Lesbian community!

DD: Boys, we have been rude. Sailor Billy has been over there exchanging phone numbers with my crew this whole time and we haven’t let him in the conversation. Sailor, if your head is in a position from which you can speak and we can hear you (yes, that’s right, get your leg out from in front of his mouth - thank you). What is your message to gays around the world?

Sailor: I know it sounds a little 60s, but here goes. I want to promote love, understanding and acceptance, not war, violence and hatred. I want to smother you all in kisses on this voyage of love. I think that’s a very important message. Don’t you think?

DD: Why I couldn’t agree more. Now, since you’ve already smothered my cameraman with kisses, I believe it’s my turn. But before we leave, are you available, or are you married? The fans need to know. And how do they find you if they are interested? The question is, are you available and where?

Billy: I’m always out there, ready to make another friend and there are already a lot of ‘friends of Billy.’ But there is always room for lots more. I’d just like to close this interview, which by the way has been lots of fun, by trying to explain to anyone who may have been a little confused reading this piece, that you have to remember that my different, shall we call them “looks” are not the result of a multiple personality, just a series of different outfits. And finally, I’d like to repeat what Cowboy Billy said: that closets are for fabulous outfits, not people. So “come out” and join me - wherever and whoever you are!
Dear Diva®

Liza Minnelli

Dear Diva,

I just saw Liza Minnelli’s current concert tour. She was fantastic! She seemed a little crippled from her hip surgery, and her voice was weak. She even mentioned these things. Yet she sang and performed like a goddess. I’m pissed at the things we’ve heard about her in the trashpress. She is a living legend and is the last real singer. These new divas, even Babs, can’t hold a candle to her on stage. Please print this letter. I’ll never be able to say anything to her about how I feel, but if it’s in print, maybe she’ll read it.

Loving Liza

Dear Liza,

You have a fan who has written the letter printed above. It is Diva’s policy to print and answer all letters, but this is one you might better answer yourself. I’m sure you read my column, doesn’t everybody? So, just write to me and I’ll give you his address.

Dear Liza Fan,

How dare you insult the unconquerable Streisand! Diva is in a rage that one of our icons has been tarnished. Your assignment is to go to the Streisand Museum on Castro Street in San Francisco and do 100 hours of community service. And don’t dare call her Babs in Diva’s presence.

You are right, however, about Miss Minnelli. She has been maligned in the press and trashed by every loudmouthed twinky old enough to read tabloids! Her presence on stage is unequaled, though in Diva’s opinion Midler comes a close second, and the new singers do rely on electronic effects and costume to lure the audience far too often. Why don’t you write to Liza yourself? She is, we hear, of the old school of celebrity manners and answers letters written to her.


Rough Trade

Diva sheds a tear on the loss of fashion saint Versace. The decorative sensibility of our community has been forever validated by this genius, who has boosted us into new heights of sexual self awareness and attractiveness. As fashion of the 40s celebrated the sultry sexiness of women, Versace frees all people to become the delightful showpieces that we are. God rest your vibrant soul.
As for the circumstances of his death, let’s take a good lesson. There are all sorts of people out there, and many are very sick. Be careful when you invite someone into your home for casual sex. Do yourself and them the favor of getting to know them a little first. We have many predatory men doing harm to our community, men who have apocalyptic thinking - abused as children, neglected and punished by life, out for revenge feeling nothing to lose. And, my dear police department and FBI, your naiveté is simply unacceptable in today’s world. The newspaper quotes that the presumed assailant “had made no effort to disguise himself, other than a small goatee.” Duh! Put it together boys in blue: handsome-to-pretty man, small, exotic features. Sounds like a trany who can pass to all of us! What’s taking you so long? We are dying out here.


Mike Tyson

Dear Diva,

Like, what’s up with Mike Tyson? What do you think about him? Do you have advice for him? Should he be kicked out of boxing?

Tyson Fan

Dear Mr. King,

How sweet of you, you merchant of meat, to ask Diva for advice. First advice is get a new job, with clients who are upstanding citizens, not rapists! Sorry to ruffle, but you might just get farther with more respectable clients.
What’s up with Mr. Tyson is clearly a case of ego/anger/money/guilt/celebrity syndrome. He has done some nasties and found that no matter where you go, there you are! If wealth made you happy, or the power of wealth and celebrity made you invincible to the law, then we wouldn’t see such tantrums. Why, we can probably expect some of the same from other celebrities who have been acquitted recently as well.
What is my advice for Mr. Tyson? Well, dear, Diva will give advice to the person asking. If he wants advice, he can write, fax, e-mail or call and he’ll get it. The reason is, when you get to the point of asking for advice you are ready to hear it, or at least willing. Since the question comes from you and not Mikey, he clearly doesn’t want it. It is doubtful he would lend Diva his ear…


Tina Turner, Nina Simone

Dear Diva,

Tina Turner owns an estate in the South of France. Nina Simone also lives in the South of France. Will you get them together and do a show with them?

Enchanted with Chanteuses


Dear Fan,

You know, a joint show didn’t work with Dolly Parton (terribly jealous of Diva’s voluptuous chest), nor Barbra Streisand (couldn’t find a song to meld her terribly small range with virtuosity sublime). It is a lovely idea. However, Tina would have to hide her legs and Nina get breast implants to compete. Besides, do you think they would work with someone as young as Diva?


Princess Diana

The Passing of a Princess

A choreographer friend once created a ballet about the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II. In the process, this choreographer wrote to HRH in an effort to allow Her to comment and have some control over the depiction. The letter from Buckingham Palace read: “I am commanded by Her Majesty the Queen to inform you that she has no comment on the subject at this time.” It was during her annus horribilus, one must assume. The British royal family has traditionally remained above common pursuits: paying taxes, raising children, marital fidelity, and commenting to the press.
Along came Diana, a modern woman unwilling to endure this persecution and repression. As a result she became the most famous woman on earth, the most photographed and, damn the idle vultures to hell, the most harassed person in history, whose sense of duty invited a public visibility which we took too far. The paparazzi have claimed her life, like a parasite which kills its host. Diva is delighted this happened in France. There is no less forgiving culture than the French, nor stricter legal system. We can all pray the Winsors will be allowed to grieve in peace, and the irascible French will properly deal with the motorcycle murderers. Undoubtedly, there will be a charity named to receive contributions in her honor. Let us, the gay community, show our dignity and contribute generously.


Princess Diana

Princess Diana Honored
by Sisters Of Perpetual Indulgence

As millions around the world have mourned and paid tribute to Lady Diana, Princess of Wales, the gay community has taken its place next to all others. When Princess Di hugged AIDS sufferers without protection, she embraced gay culture, and acknowledged what we knew first about the transmission of AIDS. Her simple gesture taught our lesson to the world.
On Friday, September 5, San Francisco honored Lady Di. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence organized a candle light march, ending in front of the British Embassy. The long march down Market street, led by children and their parents, followed a truck with a sound system playing music of all sorts, from country to classical to liturgical to gospel to popular, and Elton John was played many times. Diva walked next to a lesbian who’s step mother had died the day before. She said she needed to march to honor both Diana and Kathy, her mom. A man without legs wheeled himself on a board the miles to the Embassy, over street car tracks and exhaust grates, and held a candle. Proud and innocent, the children led us, and a young man took time from jogging to sit beside the 14,000 marching to weep openly.
The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, you know - the crazy folks dressed as nuns cavorting about San Francisco, those freaks who make mockery of all that is sacred and fools of themselves with their bizarre displays. Friday, those Sisters showed the world who they really are. They are not at all the group of irreverent exhibitionists the media has shown. They organized the first AIDS fundraiser ever held in 1981, and have continued to come to the aid of various disenfranchised communities. When a gay man was beaten by the bus driver who, after being convicted and sentenced, was welcomed back to work by a blind and arrogant union, the Sisters donned their wimples and robes and blocked the transit system until justice was done. Lately they have worked to support women and cancer issues. You would be hard pressed to find any disenfranchised community who has not been helped by the Sisters at some point, and many individuals have turned to them for help. Their membership has dwindled from AIDS, always to be replenished by those brave enough to do something for someone else. And, remarkably, they have always kept laughing and joyous throughout.
The march was conceived by several Sisters, including Sister Penny Costal, Sister Damanda Tension and Sister Pigmentia Stigmata. True to her name, Sister Vicious Power Hungry Bitch pushed herself to the front of the pack and took control, producing a cohesive and elegant event in record-breaking time. The Glide Memorial Church choir sang gospel tribute moving many to tears, and Clive Jones, founder of the AIDS memorial quilt project, spoke.
Sister Kitty Catalyst put pen to paper and wrote a prayer delivered one sentence, one Sister:
“Many have asked why do so many people grieve for this loss? Did they know her? Did they even meet her? The answer is, yes. We knew Diana to relate to her humble beginnings to the road to becoming the people’s princess. We can also relate to turning trouble, suffering and loss into action. We all have our reasons to grieve.
“Perhaps we’ll miss her unstoppable spirit and determination to carry on. And to care for her two sons despite extraordinary hardship. Her success as mother, princess and care giver are surely missed. Perhaps we’ll miss the many visits she made to hospitals and hospices, where ill , wounded and dying people were treated with respect and dignity by her. She demonstrated to the world that to care for, touch and love gay men with AIDS was appropriate and didn’t lead to anything but compassion. Perhaps we’ll miss the way she used her position to bring to light institutionalized hatred and senseless wars.
“Banning land mines was one of her many campaigns, and a world ban on them would be a fitting tribute to her many visits to land mine victims, particularly the children. Perhaps we’ll miss the realness she brought to the Crown. Her ability to smile through the bad times and bring warmth to others. She suffered eating disorders, an unhappy marriage and a home life that oppressed her. Many of us can relate all too well. Perhaps we’ll miss the post-modern princess who auctioned off her designer dresses to raise millions for charity, and was no stranger to night-life and glamour.
“She truly used her nobility for the good of us all: the sick, the war wounded and the homeless. We’ll miss Diana, survivor, mother, humanitarian, friend to the masses, and post-modern princess.”
And, on the request of the Sisters, Diva presented the following words:
“Your Highness, Lady Diana, Princess of Wales, Queen of our hearts, thank you. We all thank you. You showed us how to behave and taught us how to feel. In our grief, we will try to continue the work you began, in ways we can. We are not rich, or powerful or famous. We are little people, ordinary people. But we vow to you, Lady Diana, that every time we find a homeless person, we will help them. Every time we see a child who is lost or needs help, we will give them nurture and support. We vow to you that every time we see a drunk, passed out, we will leave an apple or an orange next to them so they might wake up to nourishment like we do. And we will continue your good work starting now. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, spiritual leaders of the gay community in San Francisco, will be passing buckets around to collect money to support the charities that you have chosen. We will give generously whatever we can, so that you will know your work continues. We miss you. We thank you.”
At press time $2,700 was raised for Princess Diana’s charities via the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
Ms. Behavior

Berkenstocks, Burritos and Ms. Behavior

Miami - you are in for a real treat! Ms. Behavior is coming to town! Last week, while Ms. Behavior was in Washington, DC on her book tour (yes, the very author of "Do As I Say" on sale now) and she and Diva had lunch.
Well, it was really much more than lunch. First, we donned our hiking boots and took a stroll along the canal, munching on trail mix and granola. Her ability to make animal noises was simply inspiring, but not as impressive as her knowledge of edible plants. Then we stopped by the motorcycle shop where we took a test ride on a new Harley she is considering. She is so handsome atop that throbbing piece of power, girls, the picture of confidence.
At last, and Diva was dying to remove her knap sack and freshen her lipstick, we arrived at our designated location for lunch - the National Zoo. Ms. Behavior had special burritos prepared and delivered beside of the Giraffe pen for our little al fresco adventure. And over burritos great things were discussed. Her wisdom is admirable, and Diva is delighted to say that much of that wisdom is to be found in her new book.
Talk centered on the problems that women of advice encounter (letters that must be answered quickly but there is no address or phone number included, wierdos who ask questions that cannot be answered, the perils of being a pop-culture icon, and fans who cannot figure out the birth gender of an advice columnist). In the end, Ms. Behavior assured Diva that it was much more of a stretch for her to get into drag than for Diva.
And, my lucky ones, you can meet her in person on Thursday, October 26 in Miami Beach. At 8:30 pm she will be reading and signing at Books and Books (933 Lincoln Road) and at 9:30 pm she will do her wonderful live presentation at Club 821 (821 Lincoln Road). So turn out in droves and buy her book. We advice columnists like it that way.



Widow Norton - Jose Sarria

Dearest Diva Devotees

Diva just returned from a trip to San Francisco where she was recording her new CD, which will be released in the new year. While there she was invited to tea with Her Imperial Majesty, Empress I, The Widow Norton.
Tea was served on Martha Washington's Mount Vernon tea service, in special tribute to Diva's current residence in Washington, DC. The table was fitted with the finest linen and bone china, and the personal server boy Diva was given for the afternoon was too cute for words in his livery. The highlight of the tea was a hot apple pie from Her Majesty's personal recipe which was delicious and, as Diva was told by Her Highness, has a secret ingredient. Diva can only imagine what would make apple taste so wondrous, and have a slightly pink tint. It was a delectable gay tart.
The ladies' discussion hit on many subjects (topics, too), and Diva was made aware of the great contribution the Drag Courts of America have been making in fundraising. Of the nearly four score courts throughout our country, millions of dollars have been raised to help people of our community and others. Much of the money goes to people affected by the AIDS plague. Diva urges you all to contribute to these worthy events in your local area and to follow the example set by Her Majesty's loyal subjects. We must stand together as a community and show our willingness to work toward solutions for ourselves. Diva herself was inspired, and did a fundraising performance at Kimo's, where funds were raised for the Gay Games.
A very big public thank you to Her Majesty, who has dedicated her life to service in the gay community. Look for her in the upcoming film "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, love Julie Newmar."


Ann Landers

Diva Throws Down Her Gloves

Dear dear, Ann Landers,

Good Lord girl, what were you thinking? Diva took to her bed for a day when she read your comment:

"...the recent commotion is whether the gay father in Virginia should attend his son's wedding without 'Jason,' his companion of 12 years.

"My advice was to leave the decision up to Jason. I said, 'If he's a first-rate fellow, he will encourage you to attend the wedding without him.'"

When we ladies of experience and wisdom pick up the pen, my dear old Ann, to impart the wisdom of our years to those in need we essentially do one, and only one, thing - we make the decision to be responsible to our community. There is so much credibility to what is printed that we must be very careful to say considerate, informed and compassionate things.
In your own lifetime, Ms. Landers, you have known a time when very few of us women were allowed to publish in our own names. You were one of the first and wrote largely in a time when women did not yet have the self-esteem to stand up to the common male wisdom. You succeeded, dear girl, and you have by your example opened the eyes and hearts of millions. You helped to change the status of women. Would you, in those days, have told a woman not to attend her partner's son's wedding because there were chauvinist men there? Hell no!
Now I hope you have noticed the date at the top of this paper, it says 1995! That means that you must recognize that gay people are beloved children of God and deserve all recognition. What's more, they are no longer willing to take the invisible back seat in society. So, I suggest you change your attitudes to something less antediluvian. I mean this with love, of course. (By the way, you may want to check out some new hair styles as well. Call me, we'll talk)



OJ Simpson, Seriously

Over the past few months, Dear Diva® has received many letters regarding the OJ Simpson trial and related issues. Diva has not responded, but with the volume of faxes and letters received since the verdict, she must now address the issue.
Many people are angry that he was not convicted, many are celebrating his release as if it is their own personal freedom that has been won. Women have written expressing their fears that the verdict implies approval of wife beating. And many speak of personal vendettas to settle.
Out of all of the storm of public opinion, Diva must turn her respect and support to the sentiments expressed by The Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jesse is right, there is no cause for anyone to celebrate. Two people are dead, children are motherless, the court system is corrupt, police don't know how to do their jobs, trust in the government is waning, and people are hating each other.
Diva calls on the gay community to become a role model in this. We gays and lesbians have never had the support of the government, police or society. We have been discriminated against - forever. Yet our sub culture is one of non-violence. It is this aspect of ourselves that we must turn to at this time. One does not overcome hatred with bitterness, but through the slow process of educating others.
Whether or not OJ is guilty, the jury found him not guilty. But he abused his wife terribly, of that everyone is sure. When he makes his public statements, and if he appears at the Million Man March (can you imagine a million men in one place? - get me my fan...), he must answer for the abuse he inflicted so that others don't feel that abusive behavior has been condoned. Abuse must stop; OJ must atone publicly.
Dear children, let us take on the job of showing that victims do not have to become perpetrators. We can be the example, and we must. Let us show how to be tolerant and loving of all people. Let us each be an example of the good qualities that are in us, specifically honesty and fairness. It's not about color or money or power or fame, it is about the courage to be honest and fair. Let us show compassion for the families of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman, let us show kindness for OJ Simpson and his children. Let us learn how to support the abused and help them to be free from the prison of abusive relationships. Let us be people loving people.


Kenneth Starr

Dear Diva,

Have you or have you not had an affair with Kenneth Starr?

Signed, Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond

Dear Warts On The Nose Of Society,

Now we all knew you two are close, but really, a joint letter to Diva? What’s next, two straws in your ice cream float? You boys should stop hiding the fact you are seen at La Cage Aux Follies and formerly at the Chesapeake supporting the enterprise of working youth! And didn’t you boys have a heart attack or something - not fatal huh? Too bad.
Mr. Starr is an unlovely man and sometimes feels alone and afraid in this world where everything is judged on appearance and image. Even becoming a judge didn’t help with his low self esteem. So it may well have happened that he and Diva were alone in the heart-shaped office. The demands of my position are far too rigorous to allow memory of every visitor to the office. And we may have shared an embrace, it is like Diva to give a hug to bereft, lost souls. Why, perhaps there was a kiss - on the forehead. And, afterward there were many letters and notes from him, none of which indicated the slightest outrage or feelings of impropriety.
The nature of Diva’s relationship with Mr. Starr is not sexual. It is a ridiculous charge, the result of a conspiracy by bitter queens who haven’t gotten the fame and success Diva has. Hopefully these charges will be thrown out so as not to detract from the important work that must be done, though if Diva were Mandy Mascara or Trudy Trailor Trash, she’d relish her day in court.


Kenneth Starr

Dear Diva,

I have heard that Judge Kenneth Starr is a transvestite. Can you confirm this rumor? Inquiring minds want to know!


Dear Miss Reno,

What a scandal you propose! Why, if it is true, he will loose the private funding from his right-wing bigot puppeteers! But let’s pray it isn’t so, Janet. The transvestite and transgender community are kind and wonderful people, unlike Miss Starr. Drop your probe, it would be too insulting to have him as part of our group.
By the way, how is your laser facial hair removal going? It is said the numbing jell doesn’t always work so well. Call when the surgery is complete, we’ll have a party for the final version of you!


President Clinton

Dear Diva,

Do you feel anyone’s sexual preference or activity has any bearing on their ability to perform their job? I.E. President Clinton.

Need Advice

Dear Newt,

You certainly do need advice! But, since you asked, you’ll get an answer.
Sexual preference has no bearing on job performance, unless you are hiding yours and feel guilty about it. In that case, you will find others who are open about their sexual preference very annoying. Take for instance your closest closeted Congressional comrades. It seems the louder they condemn homosexuality, the more we’re convinced they are friends of Dorothy in Wicked Witch clothing!
As for sexual activity, well, of course it alters job performance. Did you ever drive down the highway behind someone who was getting head? My dear! The car swerves all over the place, accelerates suddenly, then slows to a crawl. Or how about the long distance operator with Benoi Balls? Your domestic call might be patched through to Singapore! Let’s not forget the football captain who just got banged in the locker room, you know him, the one who could care less if the team wins or looses! We have all seen taxi drivers rear-end a car while they ogle some sexpot walking by. And how many semi drivers make late deliveries because they spend too much time in that little bedroom behind their seat?
Of course, it is important for a President to be virile and stress free. In fact, who would follow a prudish leader in this sordid world? There is nothing wrong with being sexy, and everything healthy about having sex. Listen, Newt, you should try to get laid. I know it’s been quite a while. But someone out there is bound to like fat old men with strange hair.



Politician’s Wife

Dear Diva,

My husband is a prominent politician who’s been accused of having an affair. Should I keep him or dump him.

Confused on Pennsylvania Avenue

P.S. (please don’t publish this)

Dear Paranoid,

If your husband is a prominent politician, then you should be well used to his peccadilloes. In fact, remember how his political success made your juices flow? Admit it, dear, you are wild about his power and prowess. Wouldn’t you find it a bit odd if he weren’t having some affairs? As his wife, you certainly do a good job looking your best. Who is that for, the press? I think not. Power is sexy, sex is powerful.
The question is, why should a woman dump a man who has had an affair? The old view of marriage (in love for a lifetime, 50s superhero role models, you chained to the kitchen while he was out being grand, women as property, virginal on your honeymoon, etc.) came from a time when people didn’t admit their humanity. The standards have changed. Now, to promise himself to another, to compromise the love between you two, those are grievous errors. A simple affair is not necessarily a reason to dump him.
Consult your heart and find if you love him, the life you have with him, and your desire to be with him in the future. If you come up in the “pro” side of the pros and cons list, then stay and work it out. If not, call your lawyer (are there any who aren’t already working for him?)


Celebrity Consorts

Dear Diva,

Have you or have you not had an affair with the President. Be honest!

Signed, Paula, Monica, Jennifer

Dear Shtups,

The President has sent invitations, admittedly, but none have been accepted. You see, girls, unlike you who are turned to quivering masses of dumbness by the nearness of power, Diva has standards. Don’t dilly with a married man! Didn’t your mothers ever teach you that? Well, the lesson is easy to forget, so you are forgiven. But you all seem to have a problem, and this we shall address!
You three have done more harm to women globally than Marie Antoinette, Nancy Reagan and Vanna White put together! Here we are in the 1990s, highly technologized and liberated, supposedly. Women are to be treated as equals to men, right? Well, it seems men are allowed to have sexuality, virility, stamina and a sense of adventure. We women thought we should too, until you girls thrust us back into the middle ages with your pathetic victim whimpering.
Women are sexual, adventurous, and virile just like any man. Ask the dykes, they’ll tell you. And if you are attracted to an overweight, henpecked, vain middle aged man, other than feeling pity for your bad taste, who cares? You have every right to go down on, hump, tease, taunt, devour, tickle, lust, ball, screw, fetishize or dominate anyone you want to, if they are willing. Now, here we women are, going about our business, celebrating our bodies and our right to choose what we do with those bodies, and along comes the Uptight Trio. Girls, you did what you did because you are healthy. The man can’t be blamed.
Now, Paula, dear (I’m happy to put you in touch with my surgeon anytime, just ask), it seems you are shocked that a man in a position of power has sexual urges. If your story is true (gold-digger), you weren’t really shocked, were you? Common, Paula, don’t make us seem THAT stupid. Grow up, get a life and stop boring us with your dumb naivete.


Hillary Clinton

Dear Diva,

My man does not behave. What do you suggest?

Home Alone

Dear Hillary,

My dear girl, you should have chosen better in the first place! A fickle man is a cross to bear, but there is hope. Some men are only tolerable when they misbehave, so protect yourself and don’t take them seriously.
As for your man, you don’t mention what behavior problem is his. If you are a domineering bitch, then anything he does may strike you as misbehaving. You cannot control another person, particularly men. But if you are a sweet, loving, stay-at-home, wait-forever, long-suffering ninny, perhaps you should get some new clothes, freshen up and be more desirable. But whoever you are, bitch or bore, if your man continues to misbehave, either leave him or shut up. Staying around will only make you bitter, dear. If that time comes, Diva will school you in the sweet ways of revenge.



Dear Diva,

What does Dear Diva have to say to Saddam? Do you think Saddam is lonely for gay loving?


Dear Mr. Bush,

Old rivalries never die, do they? Really, George, you are passe and your son is in the spotlight. Get over your fascination with Saddam! He lives in megalomaniac delusion. What self-respecting gay man would have him? I’m sure there are some spanky-spanky queens out there who might dream of him, or even act out Saddam scenes with their slaves. But think of the reality of that pig.
He’s overweight, probably smells terrible, is obviously a slob and the defoliation it would take to separate his eyebrows would keep drag queen caretakers in work for a century. Besides, wouldn’t it be romantic to be taken to the royal palace (under cover of night by some drunken militia man) and wake up next to a nuclear processor or a tank of nerve gas. And think of the stray bacteria floating out of the lab that might find their way onto your toothbrush.
No girl, give him up as an unworthy goal. Focus instead on your golf in Kennebunkport.


Monica Lewitsky

Dear Diva,

The judge has ruled that I can’t testify about my affair with President Clinton. Now everyone thinks I am a liar. What should I do?

 - Monica



Dear Fat Lips,

Who cares what everybody thinks? You are in the history books now, you modern Mata Hari, and you will get the book, movie, miniseries, political cartoon, tabloid coverage you really want, so what’s the big deal?

Pretending at this point to be denied the chance to tell the truth is simply beyond belief. People who tell the truth are also people who live by standards - something you seem to remember when it suits you dear. Living by standards means staying standing when in the presence of a married man. It also means not gossiping about your fanciful life with some drone from the Pentagon. Perhaps you need a reminder, it was Miss Twitt who has been behind almost all of the Republican attacks against the bedroom habits of Democrats in power. She instigated several high-horse, paranoid and prudish assaults, and you spill your guts with her for hours over the phone. What did you expect?

We’ve seen some of the transcripts of your drivel and see you are prone to exaggeration, falsification and tantrums. So if you did tell the truth now, we would all laugh.

Accept your place in history and get your fat face off of our television screens. We want the Simpsons, not reality.


Bill Gates

Dear Diva,

What’s the meaning of Life? Really!!!

 - Lost

Dear Mr. Gates,

If you knew that, you would link it to Windows-Millenium when it comes out and be facing more lawsuits. We’ll give you a hint: the meaning of Life has nothing to do with power, money, sex, fame, food or veneration of others. Now it is limited. Do an AltaVista search on “meaning of Life” excluding these categories and see what comes up.
In the mean time, look to the Robber Barons, your money-mongering predecessors (and betters). They raped the economy for personal wealth, subjugated millions to their controlling whims - calling it business and, chuckle, progress. They made millions - you’ve made billions, same thing in today’s dollars. But, unlike you or anyone else since Ronald Reagan spoiled the American soup, they left behind great institutions, not the least of which is the Metropolitan Museum of Art and a few dozen of the worlds greatest universities and libraries.
If these two paragraphs don’t guide you to your answer, give up the search and accept your lot as a fool and a dolt.






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