Menu   Back to Topics



Dear Diva,

My father has been openly gay all of my life. He taught me not to judge people nor to label them. I am grateful for this open minded upbringing, but now that I am 18 I don't know if I even have a sexual identity. I have had a girl friend and a boy friend. The boyfriend was nicer to me, but I think it was the individuals, not the gender that made the difference. Am I a lesbian or straight? And does it matter?
                                                                            -  Looking for a Label

Dear un-Labeled,

In the sixties we fought in that sexual revolution just to break the old stereotypes. Now our children are grown and have to face a world that is even more conservative than before. Poor babies.
It is fairly unique to America that we must be labeled so strictly, though those restricting and unrealistic labels exist in other cultures as well. Diva doesn't advocate leaving the country, hell no. What Diva thinks is the problem is the terminology used. Every human being is a sexual being from birth, and after a point somewhere in the early teen years, we become active sexually. The way the body is set up we can get our kicks from nearly any thing, be it same or opposite sex, fish or fowl, mineral or vegetable.
The challenge is to determine our affectional orientation. Which gender, when they hug you, warms that special spot deep within you that the other gender cannot touch? Usually there is a stronger satisfaction with one or the other. If not, perhaps you are bisexual, quite respectable, or even asexual? You are only 18, dear child, and I know how you all hate it when someone of my age says you are a child, but you are. Get over it. Go out and learn about yourself. You don't need to select a label. I'll bet your gay dad might be an understanding friend in this time of experimentation and your quest for a sexual identity. Don't be in a hurry to arrive, enjoy the journey.

Loving An Active Bisexual

Dear Diva,

I am gay and have fallen in love with a bi-sexual man. I know that he will have his girlfriends, and in theory I am okay with that. But he sometimes says he feels torn and acts like he has to be one way or the other. How can I solve this dilemma?
Trying to Cope

Dear Cope,

Whenever we are in a relationship which requires us to cope, we are at a point that we must look at that relationship. Does this relationship fulfill your needs and the ability to satisfy the partner? What is the past, and what are the dynamics? Diva can't imagine what the answers to those questions might be for you or anyone. But bisexuality is a reality and bisexual men and women have just as much right to love as we all do. Get the guidelines clear and establish a firm base for the relationship.
Diva had a bisexual lover once, and had a very good time of it. Her lover and she agreed that there were times when some sex might happen outside of their bond and that it would have to be forgiven. Safe sex was agreed upon, and it was also agreed that the primary relationship was not to be threatened. And there were problems with scheduling. Diva found, however, that vacations were the miracle. When we traveled together we would spend very substantial time with each other, gaining trust and joy in the relationship. Then, when returning to home, it was easier to remain calm when he was out satisfying his other needs.
Remember that relationships are not about what you can get from it, but rather what you can give to it. If your man is really confused, send him to Diva, she can confuse him even more.


Ending Affair With Bisexual

Dear Diva,

For the past year I've been seeing this bisexual guy. I've always wanted a relationship with him, but he is not ready as he's never had a relationship with a man before. Meanwhile, I've met another man who wants a relationship. I like this new guy a lot and I have lost my sexual feelings (most of them anyway) for the bisexual man. Over the past year I've gotten a good friendship with the bisexual guy that I don't want to lose. How can I "end things" with the bisexual guy without ending our friendship?                            

                                                                                               - Confused

Dear Confused,

Diva thinks she might be writing to a very fickle young man, no? Ah the web we weave. In our culture we know very well how to get into bed with a man, but we don't know how to get out of bed very well, no do we? Diva admits, she has in fits of frustration simply had the bedroom guards carry the offending man away and throw him into the dumpster, but that is hardly the way.
If there is indeed a good, solid friendship with the bisexual man, then it will endure. If the friendship is built on sex or guilt, then there is no friendship to begin with. So, what to do? Simply go by the saying that honesty is the best policy and tell him that you want his friendship but not his sex. Wait! Diva has heard that before and wasn't too thrilled at the time.
Perhaps you can plan some outings with this biway-man that don't leave room for sex, but are loads of fun. Go to King's Dominion, or the Zoo. Have a party with friends, or go to parties together. Learn how good friends you really are without the sense of rejection creeping in there. Then, when the question of sex comes up, you can tell him gently, pointing out that you two have had some wonderful sex-free times which will continue. If that leaves him half-satisfied, send him to Washington to visit Diva...


Dear Diva,

Iíve had a long life, and both female and male lovers. Iíve enjoyed all my forays into foreplay, butÖ
                                                                              - ?

Dear !~~~! ,

This column has been written for many years, it has been enjoyable. It has answered questions about all subjects and been very interesting to write. ButÖ



Dear Diva,

Is it possible for a bisexual person to be true to one lover?


Dear Rascal,

Now think, think, think! Say you are a gay man, walking the streets of Miami Beach. You see so many gorgeous men you walk with a limp! But you have a lover. Now there is no rule that says when you are on a diet you canít look at the menu, is there? But you made the choice to have wild sexual encounters and total intimacy with the lover! Duh!
Of course it is possible for a person to limit their loyalty to a field of one, no matter what your persuasion. But the real problem is for the bisexual who craves, needs, MUST HAVE sex with both genders. This person must remember one very important thing - Honesty!
Yes dear swing-this-way-then-swing-that-way, if you are going to have a harem, you must be able to keep them happy. You see, the problem is not if it is possible for YOU to love more than one, it is are you capable of keeping more than one happy? Now this takes quite a bit of honesty (wouldnít you hate to wake up one day believing you are the one and only to find out you are a member of a harem?), and the ability to be reassuring after a fling on the other side of town.
Do not do anything at all that would risk the health of any of you. State your true intentions and then donít change the rules half way through the game. Get plenty of rest and take vitamins - youíll need it!


Back to Topics